When I was at boarding school I used to draw weird comics & pictures in my homework diary during prep. The guys would often pass my diary around the classroom & they’d have a chuckle at the ridiculous things I drew, but inevitably there were those who would make comments like “Yus Bozo, why are you so weird?” & “You’re cooked in your head”.
The same thing would happen when I got back to school from holidays & I played the music I had made in the holidays to my dorm mates. Guys would say things like “Yas Bozo, how much free time do you have? Can’t you think of something better to do with your time?”
It got to a stage where I was hearing these hurtful comments on a regular basis, (particularly from seniors) & I felt an incredible desire to just fit in. One day I decided that I was going to just be normal. I stopped drawing, I stopped making music, I stopped making jokes, I stopped being myself.
The problem with trying to fit in was that I stopped enjoying my own company, and as a result I found myself being mean towards others. I started becoming the boys that were mean to me, and it dawned on me that the other boys were only mean to me because like me, they didn’t enjoy their own company. When you hate yourself, it’s difficult to control your own feelings – and when you can’t control your own feelings you start to feel the need to control others. I made every effort to start being myself again, because I didn’t like the person I had become.
Today, nothing has changed. I’m still that little teenager drawing pictures in his homework diary and making music on my holidays – only my audience is a lot bigger than the boys at my school. No matter what I say online, there are those who will be mean & tell me to stop doing the things that I do or say. While their comments hurt to an extent, I have peace in the knowledge that they are only mean because they do not like themselves and I find myself having empathy for them. That being said, sometimes I do get it wrong & I’ll say something that in hindsight was inappropriate and in those cases I believe people have every right to call me out.
So I guess the moral of the story is this:
– Never retaliate to hate. It almost never has anything to do with you & everything to do with how that person feels about his/her self.
– Never be afraid to be yourself, despite how much others try & tell you not to. If you try and be someone else, you will not enjoy your own company and you will try to control others.
To everyone who hates me, I have nothing but love in my heart for you. I hope one day you will love yourself in the same way I love myself – and then we can all get along.
Then again, maybe this is all just nonsense & I’m actually a flippen annoying idiot. Lol.