If you’re like me, you’ve probably never experienced any real hardship in life. Sure, it was difficult to deal with the bullies at my private junior school, but at least I had running water. Until now. Well, at least 90 days from now. While mothers across Constantia are enjoying their last baths, it’s time to face the truth. Cape Town is going to run out of water.
The panic in the air is as palpable as the stench of rotting sewers. But fear not, dear privileged Capetonians – because your boy Dave here has taken it upon himself to devise a bespoke survival plan tailored just for you. Sure, living in a city with no water means that there’ll most probably be outbreaks of cholera & other pretty chilled diseases. There’s also the imminent riots & extreme violence at water collection points which will make #FeesMustFall look like a church gathering.
But again I say – fear not! For privilege is the one of the few bath bubbles that cannot easily be popped. Bear Grylls step aside! No one’s drinking their own piss today. Here’s what you need to do to survive the drought, privileged Capetonian style:
1. Don’t wash your clothes.
No water means your washing machine isn’t going to work, and let’s be honest – washing your clothes in a bucket with “OMO handwash” is simply beneath you. So the solution is simple – toss your dirty laundry to the side & just buy new clothes. H&M are having mad sales at the moment, so stock up on fresh undies now while they’re reasonably priced (not that that matters).
2. Don’t wash your dishes.
No water means your dishwasher isn’t going to work either. And it could just be me but the last time I washed dishes by hand, it made me really sad. Being sad is not an option for me. The solution is simple – just order UberEats. I know you normally like to empty your Monks onto a plate and eat it with a knife and fork, but try to stay positive & see this as an opportunity to learn how to eat food with chopsticks out of a box. You never know when you might need to use chopsticks again. Probably never, but hey.
3. Don’t get your water from water collection points.
While everyone else is queuing for hours for a mere 50L at the collection points, you can use your privilege to skip the queues. Buy Valpré from Woolworths. If you’re slightly more middle class, then Bonaqua is also a viable option.
What most people don’t know is that Valpré is essentially Jo’burg tap water, so you can have as much of it as you want without feeling guilty. Want to have a bath? Have a Valpré bath. No one can judge you. Someone even suggested I try a sparkling water bath. I tried it once, but it was a bit too spicy for me. Did wonders for my hair though!
Anyway, while watching Carte Blanche last night I saw a Valpré ad that said their bottles are made partly from plants, so don’t feel bad about using 200 bottles for one bath – it’s green. Just make sure you get your supply from Woolies soon because on Thursday I saw a girl in her active wear buying 20 big bottles of water already. You should’ve seen the look on the cashier’s face.
I know the boot space in the new BMW SUV is phenom, but take your trailer too & make sure you rally up at least 2 car guards to help you carry. We don’t want you going to any unnecessary acupuncture appointments in these already trying times.
4. Don’t live in Cape Town.
In the event that the smell of rot & decay becomes too much to bear, there is a way out – you can move to Jo’burg. I’d like to stress however that this is the last resort. No Capetonian should ever move there by choice. But with that being said I grew up in Jo’burg & I can confirm that although it smells weird, it smells slightly better than the imminent smell of rotting faeces wafting through the streets of Claremont.
And don’t be shy to over stay your welcome. People from Jo’burg actually enjoy having strangers visiting. It’s strange I know but from my understanding it’s because they have no natural beauty, so if they weren’t friendly they’d all go mad.
Yes – you’ll probably miss the mountain, but Jo’burg isn’t so bad if you run yourself a bath.